How to Write a Novel…

“There is nothing to writing. All you do is sit down at a typewriter and bleed.”

-Ernest Hemingway

Hi everyone! Whether you’ve ever wanted to write a novel and are searching for tips, or have written several but are interested in someone else’s approach… Well, you won’t find any help here, but hopefully this will make you smile!

First, make a mug of coffee/tea. You’re going to need that caffeine.

Next, spend some time curating the perfect Pinterest board for your shiny new novel. You’re going to want to spend a lot of time doing this. And feel free to refer back to it, tweaking it, as much as possible.

Then, figure out what the soundtrack to your novel should be. Make a playlist. You should also spend a lot of time on this.

Uh oh, caffeine level’s getting a little low. Better have another mug.

Well, you should probably sit down to do some wri- oooh is that a notebook?!

Go shopping for new notebooks.

Okay, NOW you’re going to write!

Open Twitter.

Stop procrastinating to realise you haven’t named most of your characters.

Spend several hours trawling baby name sites, until your ads for the foreseeable future are filled with products for your fictional child.

Oh wow, you should probably have some lunch now…

Lunch made you sleepy. Nap or coffee? Nap or coffee? Nap or coffeeeeee?

Okay, first sentence! This is good. Solid first sentence. Nice, strong opening…

Your second sentence is crap.

Third sentence is even worse.

Clearly you need more caffeine.

Oh god, should you even continue?!

Time for a pep talk. First drafts are meant to suck, right? Maybe you’ll just spend a little more time on planning first. Yeah, that’ll fix it.

Go back on Pinterest.

 

 

 

Thanks for reading everyone!
What are your own worst habits while writing?